new things .

On Highway 64 I decided I would try and wear some of my nice jewellery every day  but sometimes my anxiety and my depression  gets in the way all I am nervous of wearing my nice  Jewellery  just in case my anxiety hits me and being kind to myself by wearing nice things or doing nice things is wrong or I worry that I am trying to get on  even though at any minute I could be poorly and not myself. I guess in some ways  you just feel like wearing the same thing every day as you feel like it is like a coat of armour that will protect you or make you feel at ease. It’s like when you go out and you decide that you’re going to get your nails done or have your hair done and you feel like getting that done it’s not right as you feel you do not deserve it or that it could suddenly change the way you feel. It’s like people who have to come into the room a certain way or do things a certain way as they are scared that something bad could happen but in my case doing nice things to myself could make my anxiety and my depression come on or that I feel I do not deserve it. I’m sitting here today at my mum’s house looking after the dog as well as my dog as they have gone out for the day and I’ve had to come over and help. I am lying here watching old episodes of Coronation Street which I love that have been recorded and I do that a lot when I come over to look after the dog but I can’t help but feel that this is bad as before when I’ve done it  The next day or so I have a really bad attack in my sleep goes out the window. I guess I’m kind of saying that if I stick to the same routines and the same things every day that I’m  almost sticking to the  safe  things in life. The last two times I’ve been food shopping within three days of doing it I have another episode and cannot eat sleep and throw up so half my food gets wasted.  I guess you can see where I’m going with this that I need to carry on doing some  of the  things that I’m scared off or trying to persevere and not think of the things in the past that have just been a coincidence that my anxiety has happened   After doing certain things. I cannot live my life on Highway 64  staying behind  The slow car in front of me when I could be overtaking it and getting on with my life as I cannot always  stay behind that  slow car as  there will be times in my life where I have to overtake and go a bit faster or go in the fast lane and be a little bit uncomfortable at first  as I will not be  used to go in at a different speed. You know when they say when you’re driving always look in your mirrors or signal and check there are no other cars coming for overtaking or going into another lane I guess that’s kind of like your anxiety and your depression. You have to look in your rearview mirror make sure there is no one that’s going to get in your way. Signal to let people know that this is what you’re going to do in your life today eg  going to groups or work .Before moving out into that lane or overtaking make sure you look that no one is coming at it’s going to get into your way of getting on with life.